


Totally NOT Friendship

by Critique_Masochist



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Cute, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Lots of tiny self contained stories, M/M, More Chapters Will Be Added, No Smut, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Shorts, Tsundere Zim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-02-29 16:20:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18781804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Critique_Masochist/pseuds/Critique_Masochist
Summary: A bunch of edited short stories that are hopefully as fun to read as they were to write.Lots of EXAGURATED dialog (in true invader zim fashion) and cute moments.





	1. No Sleep

 

An apparition that dug its way to the other side of the earth; just imagining the chaos made my antenna perk up! The Chinese, or whoever was on the other side, would be so confused when a foreign machine buried its way to their backyard without even giving them a call first!!! Not to mention that I had learned a lot from my last burying effort and I now had the intention of fire-proofing my machinery.

They would never even see it coming, quite literally!!

An alarm interrupted my thoughts, it was a security alert. Someone had cleverly sneaked past every security measure I had, perhaps because GIR had forgotten to lock the door again. I activated the lasers as a welcoming gesture.

The intruder raised their meaty flesh fingers the moment they saw the lasers.

“Hey! Hold on! It’s me Zim!”

Of course, he wasn’t ZIM but human language was confusing that way. No, this was a much more pathetic and unimportant creature. It was the Dib-thing.

It looked at my cameras. “I was bored. Can I join you in whatever horrible thing you’re doing right now?” he asked.

If this had been my first year on earth, I would have denied him this pleasure instantly. However, I had been stranded on this planet for over 3 earth years now and I had regrettably grown used to Dib’s existence. He had his uses.

 

I did a quick full body scan on him to make sure he wasn’t a treat. Though, at this point that was only a formality. He was clean.

After a few button-pushes, the floorboards moved and an elevator revealed itself to the human.

“Don’t touch anything but the ground you are standing on. Also, no incomprehensible sobbing.” I said, in a tour guide voice.

Dib nodded and I was pleased to see that he didn’t even touch any of the red buttons I had placed on the elevator to test him. I did love testing him.

There were many psychological layers that humans possessed and they wouldn’t show up in contained environments. Humans wouldn’t even go near a red button when captured and placed in a testing chamber but put a red button on a wall somewhere and see what happens!

They weren’t as simple as rocks. No, more like hamsters; small, stupid but they were sentient and their small brain did allow learning although it took very long.

After 3 years, Dib had grown to understand that he couldn’t defeat me.

 

These days Dib entertained himself by coming over and watching me work.

Sometimes he would ask me questions and, assuming that they weren’t outrageously simple or racist, sometimes I would answer them. Sometimes he would also draw, though what he drew rarely interested me.

The elevator arrived and made a small noise, inaudible to monkeys. I liked the little things that made my home more secure. Knowing when an elevator had arrived was one of them.

The elevator doors opened and he waved at me.

I returned the gesture before holding up my welding device to give him the hint that he should stay a few feet away from me for once. I knew that human skin was sensitive to sparks.

“I’m surprised you don’t mind me coming over at 2am.” Dib said, sitting down on the floor.

“Why would the position of the sun matter to me?” I asked, slightly outraged at the implication that a star had power over me.

“No, it’s just that humans sleep at night.”

“Yes, I have realized that on my first day here.”

It actually took me two days to fully understand.

“Are irken days longer?”

“We don’t have a sun. We travel through space constantly, like invaders. Because we are invaders.” I explained.

“But you never respond on Tuesdays.”

Dib raised an eyebrow and it unsettled me deeply. I had tried to hide my ‘sleep’ cycle from him by activating voice lines that told him off or having a robot version of myself walk around the house all day but Dib knew me too well. I didn’t like it that he knew when I was the weakest.

“I take the day off on Tuesdays.” I lied.

“Right.”

 

He didn’t push it at all and I assumed that I had successfully avoided the issue. Irkens didn’t show weakness. Weakness was for humans. Humans ate and slept and watched TV while IRKEN absorbed nutrients and put aside consciousness temporarily and only OCCASIONALLY watched TV!

Wait.

“It’s 2am?” I asked.

“Yep.” Said the human.

“Why aren’t you asleep?”

“Couldn’t.”

I looked over at him. He was sitting on the floor, drawing lazily. “That’s possible?”

He laughed softly. “Yes, sometimes something just bugs me or there is bad weather or I feel sad and then I can’t sleep.”

I thought about this. “How do you ever sleep then?”

Dib grinned. “The weather doesn’t have to be perfect.”

“You know that’s not what I mean.” I returned my attention to my work. “How can you sleep when you are reminded CONSTANTLY of my brilliance??”

He laughed. Humans were weird, they didn’t force laughs. They just did it naturally... and to emote. Humans did a lot of things ‘just to emote’. It should be easy to understand them but it was just such faulty logic that I couldn’t get my mind around it.

“You’re right.” Dib confessed. “I can never sleep when I think about you.”

“Good.” I decided.

There was silence.

 

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” I dared to ask.

Dib looked up from his drawing to face me but I wouldn’t dare look him in the eyes. That would make him think that I cared. I didn’t care and I respected him enough to let him know that.

“Uh... I guess I was a bit sad.” He decided.

“...whyyy?” I still didn’t care.

“People don’t like me. It gets annoying.”

“Well, you ARE insane.” I reminded him.

“Yeah, right. Everyone keeps going on and on about that. Even when I try, nobody takes me seriously and nobody wants to be around me.”

“I don’t care.” I explained.

“Then why did you ask?” Dib huffed.

“No. I mean: I do not care that you are insane. You can be helpful. You can be... catastrophic if underestimated. I would be a fool to not take you seriously.”

I was NO FOOL. Obviously, Dib knew that and he was so impressed by my superior logic that he teared up. I wasn’t like those other foolish humans. I was ZIM! Invader and DOMINATOR OF EARTH!! And they better not forget that!

“Thanks... I... I try to be useful.”

He was.

I didn’t fully understand the planet but Dib, as a part of it, often opened his mouth-hole to explain some of the backwards logic around me.

He had good advice.

 

Obviously, I accepted this advice as I am a humble and brilliant mind, open to new ideas; even if they come from an insane child.

“You are. This place makes no sense, I have no idea how most of you even manage to function here.”

“Ah... it’s not that difficult. It’s just that the average IQ of this country is statistically very low.” He said, sadly.

“More like; planet.”

“Maybe. I’m hoping that I’ll be surrounded by better and more friendly people in college.”

“How long do you have to survive for that?” I asked, because I had heard that some of our classmates had already died in the underground school that was buried beneath our regular schoolgrounds. It seemed unlikely that even half of the students would make it to high school and even less would grow up to join… college.  

“Hah. Long.” Dib giggled. “Still, I really want to go to college. Dad said it’s way better than even high school!”

“I thought high school was the peak of your pathetic human lives.”

“Not for nerds.” He said. Worrying. “Also, you can actually choose what to learn in college. That sounds really cool! Just… being forced to learn interesting stuff… with people who willingly agreed to be there, just like you!”

 

It sounded like irken military training.

“I have been through a similar training.” I said, vaguely.

“What, a world domination course?”

“More like survival.”

“Oh, you **are** good at that.” I did feel good when he said that. “I think I’m going to try journalism.”

Ah. Journalism.

“I bet the people there would be as ‘aware’ as you are.” I said.

“I know, right?”

“Though, I always thought you were more interested in technology than politics.”

I was more interested in technology than politics. I had grown to think that the Dib thing was at least somewhat similar to irken in general and we didn’t care much for politics. The tallest rule them all, that’s what I think! That’s what we all thought!

Politics were for undecisive losers which Dib clearly wasn’t.

“I guess I like both but I’m too hyper to become a programmer.” He said.

That was true.

 

Dib did love screaming and running and jumping on desks. Maybe his best choice was abandoning that dream and hanging out with losers, then. How unfortunate. I decided that I would work harder and destroy humanity before he would have to experience that.

“I bet you wouldn’t even have to wait.” He mused. “I bet you could just put on a tall disguise and sneak into lessons at some random college.”

“Me?” I laughed at the suggestion. “I don’t need that level of education to stay under cover and it’s not like human monkeys could teach ME anything!!”

“But.” Dib started and I turned to face him, annoyed. “Humans could teach you about humans! I think sociology or something is a science that explains human behaviour.”

“If they were so good at understanding others, they would have manipulated everyone to do their bidding.” I explained.

“Most people aren’t that evil. If you went, maybe you would know that.”

“Are you suggesting that I don’t understand humans?!” I hissed.

“I’m suggesting that you don’t want to learn new things.” He folded his arms defensively. Humans had weird definitions for ‘being defensive’ and theirs didn’t involve nearly enough steel or plasma. Though it did have a lot of ‘being offended’ and bickering.

“I’m not here to learn.” I explained. “Invaders don’t learn all about the species they plan to destroy!! They just do and the feeble animals just DIE.”

Did looked at me with interest. “Hmm... are you jealous of other invaders success or are you afraid to get attached?”

 

...

 

SUCH INCOMPREHENSIBLY INSULTING ACCUSATIONS!! And here I EVEN THOUGHT FOR A SECOND that I understood the Dib Thing?!! He was impossible, no wonder nobody liked him.

“I am none of those things!” I screeched and returned to my work.

“Jeez.” He laughed. “Alright, I was just trying to help.”

“Yeah, right.” I hissed. “Why would YOU want to help ME?!”

The mere idea was ludicrous. I was trying to take over or preferably DESTROY ALL OF HUMANITY!! Dib liked humanity more than anything, he was just trying to make me get attached to this dying puppy of a planet.

Even that was stupid. Irkin’s were trained not to get attached. We were trained not to care! We were trained to trust in machinery and not each other and we were taught how to avoid loneliness and weakness!

Whatever Dib was trying to achieve he would never-

“Because I care about you.” He explained.

 

Oh.

Oh! Right... humans weren’t trained like I was. Dib was weak. He was weak enough to forget whose side he was on because he was tired and... human.

I wasn’t like him.

I didn’t. I didn’t care at all.

And I... I respected him enough to... enough to tell him that.

I said nothing.

Not because I couldn’t but because I knew that my silence meant ‘I do not care about you’.

Surely, Dib knew that too.

Surely, he understood me enough to know… what I meant.


	2. Visiting The Dib

 

My feelings on the Dib-Thing had changed quite a lot since we had first met, especially after he had stopped being a very prominent threat.

It was bizarre that he was still so intrigued by me but then again, he was the only one who knew that I was in fact ZIM!! THE IRKEN INVADER! So, it made sense.

As long as he didn’t record anything, it didn’t matter whether or not he was present at the planning stages of my plans.

My success rate had stayed the same. Nothing had changed, really, except that I had grown very used to his presence and earthly logic. He was a useful tool in my arsenal and although he hadn’t been the key to WORLD DOMINATION, I was still grateful at the fact that he would betray his species for no reason. Not only that but he also offered me an escape from the awful silence!

 

Sometimes I really hated silence. When I didn’t take enough risks **outside** , silence would make me feel like I was in danger **inside**. It messed with my brain, confusing me as to where I was safe.

Obviously, this was due to my fighting instincts that weren’t used to peace and quiet and NOT loneliness.

Usually, silence wouldn’t bother me. usually silence and I were best friends, working on machinery in blissful cooperation…

Today, however, that wasn’t the case.

I wasn’t lonely.

It was the SILENCE, not me.

Dib wasn’t around. He hadn’t showed up at all and that was worrying since it was a Sunday; “the most boring day of the week” as Dib put it.

I wasn’t worried.

I was just… annoyed by the SILENCE.

I decided that maybe I should go over to his house for a change…

 

I put on my human disguise and my tiny legs carried me over to Dib’s futuristic looking home structure. I pounded on their entrance.

A flying monitor answered the door.

“Hello Mr. Dad!” I said, in my most regular tone of voice. “I as a friend of your son, I would like to know if he has died or not.”

Even though referring to Dib as my ‘friend’ was very much overestimating our relationship, it was the simplest way to explain to others why we spend so much time together.

“Ah, yes. Dim, was it?” the monitor asked.

“Zim.” I corrected, in a regular but much more hate-filled tone.

“Yes, yes. It brings me great joy that my son finally partakes in normal human interaction! They grow up so fast.”

“They don’t.” I explained, normally. “It takes many earth-years. I have no idea how they survive being so weak and so insufferable for so long.”

“Ohoho, right you are!” he said, getting out of my way. “He is upstairs in his room. Feel free to join him and do whatever activities you two do all day.”

 

Dib’s door was covered in edgy ‘stay out’ signs that he had STOLEN from my lab; where they **actually** served a purpose. Here, they did not which I demonstrated by entering the room without knocking.

Dib was, indeed, alive and well. Well enough to read comic books all day, it seemed!

“Ugh, knock before entering Gaz!” the lazy human yelled, too stupid to realize that IT WAS I, ZIM!!!

“It is I!! ZIM!” I announced and it sounded just as great as it had sounded in my head.

“Oh, hey its you. Uh… still, please do knock before- “

“FEEBLE SIGNS WILL NOT STOP ZIM!!” I screamed before sitting down next to him casually. He was sitting next to his bed, on the floor; where he belonged and I was feeling generous enough to join him in this activity.

This was how it worked, right?

‘hanging out with people’?

One would announce their presence and demonstrate their EVERLASTING DEDICATION as to not-leave their friend-person alone!! After that, it would become socially acceptable to invade the space that existed around their friend-person.

Dib wasn’t my friend but I was pretty sure that this was how it worked.

 

“Why are you here?” he questioned.

“I’m practicing my people-skills.” I said. I had come up with various reasons to justify my presence here and I could come up with many more if needed.

“I thought you didn’t need to practice or learn anything.”

“I say things like that to be more-humble.” I explained. After all, it was very low to proclaim that one did not require further education and that meant I was being humble.

He laughed though I could not decipher why. “Zim, I swear, you contradict yourself every day.”

I took offence to that. “Well, you are the crazy one so I have no doubt in my mind that you’re just imagining that!” I hissed, making sure to wave my tongue in his face.

“Right, right. So, what’s the real reason you’re here? Did you get lonely?” his smirk made me regret my decision-making. Despite all the good reasons, I should have decided against the idea of coming here. I got up to fix this mistake instantly. “Hey, don’t leave!”

“Well, why not?” I hissed. “I thought you claimed that I was being UNREASONABLE!”

“You are but stay anyway.” He pouted. “I’m really bored and there is nothing good to watch on TV.”

“Well… how am I supposed to change that?”

“You’re not. Just stay and let’s hang out.”

“Right.” I said, confidently and sat back down.

 

Silence.

 

“S-so.” I started. “That teacher sure was- “

_No, no, we weren’t at school._

“The weather sure is- “I tried.

_No again, the weather was very boring today._

“How is your day today?” I decided.

That was good. Brilliant, even. I settled on that and waited for my speaking partner to stop rolling around, laughing.

“Better now.” he finally managed.

“Why? What changed just now?”

“Oh, nothing.” He laughed.

 

Such confusing creatures.

“Aren’t you going to ask me how my day was?” I was beginning to doubt that Dib even knew how this was supposed to work.

“Right. Sorry.” He coughed a few times and wiped his eyes clean. “How was your day?”

I didn’t have an answer for that. I had been… unfocused. But had I felt that way all day? I never kept track of such nonsense.

“Fine. The regular.” I shrugged, unsure.

“That doesn’t sound very convincing.”

I stared at Dib’s stupid face, dumbfounded. “I do hope that you realize that I’m not STILL trying to convince you that I am TOTALLY HUMAN.”

His stupidity was genuinely worrying.

“No, that’s not what I mean. I just… ugh, I mean… I mean, are you sure you’re alright?” his cheeks showed signs of embarrassment, common when making mistakes or in awkward social interactions. I was somewhat sure that it couldn’t possibly be the latter.

“I am at optimal levels.” I stated.

“Well, ok I guess.”

 

Silence.

 

“You know, it was this horrible silence that brought me here.” I leaned in close. “I think it’s following me wherever I go.”

He giggled. “So, that’s why you’re here. Wait, let me get out some video games. I’m sure I can teach you how to play.”

“Will they eliminate the silence??I want it DEAD!”

“Oh, yes absolutely.” He laughed.

He was a lot more joyful around me than he was whenever I saw him alone. Though, humans were like that in general, so it made sense.

 

We played for an unmeasured amount of time. It had gotten dark by the time I got frustrated enough to throw my controller against the screen.

“These games are rigged.” The impact of the solid object hitting the screen didn’t break anything but if the machine was sentient it would feel my rage, which was sufficient.

“They are not. You’re just new to them.” Dib punched me playfully. Of course, HE was having fun.

“They were made by humans, for humans.” I hissed. “They are made so that other species are bad at them!”

“Actually, that’s one of the more logical things you’ve claimed so far.” He decided. “Do you have video games like this back home? Uh, back on your… planet?”

“We have similar things on Irk, yes.”

“Huh, really?”

“Yes, flight simulators and such are common.”

“No, I mean games that you play for fun.”

“Uh… We do have war simulators too.” I mused.

“No. Like, games that you play ONLY to have fun.”

 “War is fun.” I frowned. “Even humans enjoy war games.”

“But those simulations are meant to prepare you for real actual wars, right? War with death an… horribleness? Things that you will actually really experience??” he was making exaggerated gestures that conveyed nothing to me.

“So? Still fun.” I nodded in an attempt to get him to agree with me.

“I mean… sure.” He sighed. “If you find it fun then, I guess.”

Success.

 

“Well.” I got up. “This has been fun but I really have to get back to work.”

Strangely, it had been genuinely fun. Though, I wasn’t sure why I felt that way since I had previously attacked technology in a fit of RAGE.

“Aww.” Dib said, though he was used to the disappointment by now.

“Yes, I know that you will miss me terribly.” I shook my head, approvingly.

He grinned. “Absolutely.”

“Aren’t I great? You must be so happy to be vaguely associated with someone like me.” I placed a hand on my chest for dramatic effect.

“What will I do now that the GREAT ZIM is leaving??” he threw himself on the floor and flailed his limbs.

“Worry not for maybe I will return some time in the future.” I said to ease his suffering.

“Oh, hey, really?”

“Sure.” I shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”

This was strange. I felt… ok here. It was almost as if I was safer here than back home. I would really like to return to this atmosphere sometime, preferable when I had more time to waste.

“Please do, it’s kind of a one-sided friendship when I go to your place all the time.” He smiled.

“But there is a reason for that now, isn’t there??” he grinned and I explained further. “My ‘place’ is far more interesting and BRILLIANT in almost every way.”

“Almost?” he raised the face-hairs on his forehead questioningly.

“Well, yes. It doesn’t have a Dib.”


	3. Dinner for Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Misswits14 and Megxolotl for your comments! :)

I stretched on the sofa, my human cell phone in one hand and the TV remote in my other. The TV was off but Dib had been speaking for over 30 minutes now and my hands had desired something to play with.

“So.” I said, trying to sum up Dib’s mad ramblings. “Your Dad rescheduled your yearly pizza night and now it’s going to be held next week.”

“Yeah.” Dib huffed. “Except it’s not a formal event and the date had been set a year prior! I mean, seriously! He had an entire year to- “

I put the phone on speaker and got more comfortable in my seat while I waited very patiently for the crazy boy to stop screaming. The TV stared at me blankly, tempting me to hang up already.

But I couldn’t; this was more important, somehow.

“-and he ALWAYS does this and then Gaz gets mad because she’s ALWAYS mad and I’m disappointed but I don’t express that emotion by screaming at my sister, UNLIKE SOMEBODY I KNOW!”

“Ah, yes.” I considered contacting a local pizza joint since Gaz was known for going on a hungry-rampages. 

She was inexplicably one of the most dangerous humans I had the misfortune of knowing and there was no telling how far beyond ‘yelling at her brother’ she would go tonight... 

 

The thought was simply too worrying.

 

“She broke the TV too, can you BELIVE THAT?! Why in the world does my Dad like her MORE??”

I tapped a code into my armrest and a monitor popped out of the seat. Should I ask Dib about her pizza preference?

“So, I have just locked myself in my room and I’m not coming out until somebody apologizes because none of this was my fault and I feel TERRIBLE!”

“I’m really sorry to hear that.” I frowned. Maybe not now.

“THANK YOU!” The human yelled. Then he started breathing strangely.

“Dib, I request that you do not start crying on me because I am not trained for this kind of communication.” I expressed.

“I won’t.” He hickuped.

I decided that three pepperoni pizzas would probably guarantee that Dib would survive until tomorrow. When the delivery arrives, he would simply assume that their dad had placed the order, saving me all of the embarrassment.

A message popped up on my screen, informing me that the pizza delivery person would speed in traffic and risk their lives in order to bring the pizza in less than 30 minutes. I closed the pop up and focused my attention on the quiet watery noises Dib was making.

“Dib, is your face leaking the burning watery stuff again?” Humans were truly horrible creatures with such bizarre and terrifying bodily functions. Anything they did could and usually did result in MY SUFFERING.

“Shut up.” He sobbed. The strange, strangled laughing noises he was making were truly unsettling. All this over pizza? Really??

“Look, if food is that important to you, I have some here at home.” I tried to sound nonchalant in an effort to hide my inexperience about dealing with human feelings.

 

The person on the other end made a few more dying and gasping noises before remembering that humans communicate in speech and not cries and grunts. “What like dinner at your place?”

“Uh...” I had meant that in a sense that food was a common household thing and that he shouldn’t drown himself in his own tears over cheap milk that had been spilled but… “Yes.”

“Really?” Some pretty weak laughter fought its way out of Dib’s chest. “Like, romantic candle light dinner with my favourite alien?”

“NO.” I huffed. “Normal friendly human dinner with your favourite alien.”

Dib laughed again. “That... that actually sounds really nice. Do you mean it? Can I come over? Right now?”

“Well, if you come now, I will have absolutely no time to prepare you any decent food.” I explained. “Unless you want to creepily watch me create food from a distance.”

“Create... food?”

“Yes. Do you really think that I grow my own alien plants? No, I have machines that... just come over Dib.” I sighed.

“I will.”

There was silence between us for a brief moment.

“Dib?”

“…yes?”

I rolled my eyes. “Are you going to hang up or what?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Dib. Here’s what’s going to happen; you’re going to close your mouth hole, hang up and get your FEEBLE human body over here and once you’re here I am going to force fun down your throat until you forget all of the insignificant drama that has occurred today!” I hissed, accentuating every vague treat to it’s most… threatening.

“That would be very nice of you…” he laughed.

“Dib! Just come over!” I groaned.

He hung up.

Good. Finally.

 

I sighed deeply as the realization that I had just invited the sad melodramatic human garbage that was Dib into my home truly set in. Why did I always happen to call him after an uneventful day of fixing whatever GIR had broken? Spending time with Dib was just the worst, I could recall every single time we spoke from memory and they were all so boring and awful that-

I wiped the smile that had inexplicably formed on my face away and ordered my sarcastic living room AI to clean up the house. Mechanical clanks and buzzes filled the air as robotic arms started the tidying process all around me.

“Also, prepare the kitchen table for dinner.” I added.

“Would you like candlesticks too?” The AI groaned.

I considered this. 

“No.” I decided and I pondered why it even took me a moment to come to that conclusion.

“You get more distracted every day.” The AI dared, questioning MY reasoning! “I wish you just took over the planet already and left me alone.”

“Do you wish to be SCRAPPED?!” I roared.

“Ugh, nevermind.”

I had listened to my idiot programming for long enough. Quickly, I dug through my chat logs with Dib to remember what it was that he liked to eat. It was some sort of... well, it WAS unhealthy but what was it called? Pasta cake? Lasagne. That’s what he liked.

I checked my research to find out the ingredients.

Hm.

Simple.

Well, not SIMPLE but if I focused on getting it right and put a lot of recourses into it, I could make this a food worth remembering. For Dib, at least, it would remain poisonous for me no matter what the quality.

I set up my equipment in the living room, because I wasn’t willing to carry food from my lab to the kitchen like some sort of servant, and started coding instructions that would preferable work out perfectly the first time and without any errors.

 

The TV was blocked out by rather large machinery and three monitors that allowed me to control it from the comfort of my sofa. Very soon, a Dib joined me in the food coding process.

I remained quiet as he leaned into me. I knew he was seeking some sort of... comfort from me but I wasn’t going to guess what he wanted me to do and I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask.

“What are these things?”

Dib pointed at a few numbers on my second screen.

“Recourses. I’m sure you recognize sugar.”

“Yes, but I don’t recognize... uh... how do you even pronounce that?”

He pointed at one of the words and his cute fingers left a soft mark on the screen.

“Sentonrima. Food recourse from Irk itself.”

“Is that tasty?”

I thought about the effect that human food had on me and imagined all the insane and unpredictable effects that eating irken food could have on a human. Technically, Dib might grow wings or liquify or turn invisible or even stay exactly the same. I did, however, like my archenemy the way he was… and I didn’t want to risk him getting poisoned.

“You’re not allowed to eat that.” I said, finally.

“What? Zim, I’m not an idiot. I meant is it tasty to you.”

“Ah. Then, no.”

 

Dib watched in amazement as the large machine pooped out some disgusting smelling human dish. He gasped at the sight of the evil terrible food, which was a rather nice sight to be fair but nothing special. Nothing even worth mentioning.

“Ah, it looks great! Can I touch the plate? Yes? NOPE! NO! OW!”

Dib decided that he wanted to eat on the sofa, which was fine by me but it made my AI groan.

“And after I had spent all that time preparing.” It moped.

“You barely spend five minutes.” I hissed, infuriated that my creation would dare and object to Dib in any way.

“You prepared for me?” Dib asked.

“Not at all.” I said as I deactivated the annoying voice. I wasn’t fond of doing that, since it turned off the security system as well but I didn’t want some machine to come between us. I could almost hear the AI’s sarcastic laughter as it pointed out to me that I was literally lowering my defences. I ignored the thought.

 

I retrieved a kind of smoothie supplement from the giant machine and swiped Dib’s hand away when he attempted to grab it.

“Not everything is for you Dib.” I hissed.

“Oh. Well, could you magic me something to drink, then?”

“It’s not magic.” I hissed. “What do you want to drink.”

I programmed Dib a 2 liter bottle of drinking liquid which was APPARENTLY too much. After I finished telling him how sorry I felt about being so generous and he stopped making fun of how weird my zipper teeth were me started eating for real.

Dib made very cute, enjoyment noises. I had grown strangely familiar with some of the sounds he made. Sounds that I wouldn’t have even recognized a few years ago meant a lot to me now. there really was no need for us to speak at all since I was a big liar and since Dib was so expressive in his every action.

 

The way he would smile every time he saw me, the strange and different laughs he chose to have for different situations and the small grateful noises he made whenever I did anything, anything at all to show him that I… cared.

 

“You wouldn’t mind if I drank something slightly intoxicating, would you?” I asked.

He shook his head, slightly confused and I coded something that would erase stupid thoughts from my brain.

I was halfway through my second drink when Dib finished his lasagne. He leaned back in his seat and sighed happily. I hid my smile.

“That was great!” he closed his eyes, lost in a world of bliss. “Thank you.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that.

“You think I can improve it?”  I asked.

“Zim?” Dib said, clearly surprised. “Are you asking me for feedback?”

I laughed a very dominating laugh that made my head hurt ever so slightly. “Well, obviously the food is perfect because it was made by ME... but it could be **more** perfect.”

Dib smiled. “It could use some more cheese on top.”

Cheese. Right. I had figured that cheese wasn’t so important. Oops.

 

“So, hey...” Dib pointed at my drink. “What’s that?”

“Ugh. Don’t judge me.” I groaned. “It’s not THAT alcoholic or, well, technically it isn’t alcohol at all.” I thought about it. “Is alcohol plant based?”

“Isn’t it something like rotten grape juice?” Dib said, unsure himself.

“Ew!” I squeaked before staring into my drink for a few moments. “Well, yeah, it’s like that then.”

“What is that?”

“It’s uh… so, there are these giant watermelon things on Irk.” I started. “And, well they are about as big as a stadium. They usually explode after a while but if you don’t want them to do that you can milk them and you do… something to that and then you get this.” I gave my glass a shake and the white liquid inside splashed onto the sofa, disappointing me greatly.

“I… see.” Dib said.

“I’m not joking.” I clarified. “Irk is just a huge planet full of plants just as wacky as that one.”

“It sounds nice.”

“Yes, it used to be.” I said before finishing the drink. My body felt thoroughly relaxed and I decided that I really shouldn’t drink any more than this if I wanted to be taken seriously.

“Used to be?”

“Well, irken were the only species living on the planet and so we really had no competition. We quickly took over and turned the place into a machine wonderland! Under the ground and inside trees and hidden in rocks and everywhere, we hid and waited and grew and then one day… we left. Irk is now just used for farming baby Irkens and food alike.”

“Huh…”

“Yep.”

“We used to have dinosaurs on our planet.” Dib pointed out.

“UGH, I KNOW! That is SO MUCH cooler than no competition!” I groaned. “Honestly, we have the most boring backstory of any warrior race ever! Just a bunch of ants from some peaceful corner of the galaxy, just disgraceful.”

Dib laughed at that. “So, hey, um, are irken herbivores?

“IRKENS ARE NOT-“ I started before taking a deep breath and continuing more calmly. “It’s a common misconception but no, we do not kill things for food. We, in fact, only kill for fun.”

“Ah.” Dib rubbed his neck awkwardly. “Funnnn... right. Um... still, weird that you guys have such violent instincts when you aren’t even predators. I had always assumed that... um... that more... uh...”

 

My death glare had silenced him completely. “Don't be racist, Dib.” I hissed. “I will not tolerate it when it’s THIS cliché.”

“S-Sorry.” He smiled.

It was a cute smile and it did calm me down a notch. “Other galactic morons always make fun of our... EVERYTHING! Part of being invaders is to tolerate the jokes that all our haters make. Honestly, it’s the second biggest reason as to why we want to conquer everything.”

“I see.”

“I have stopped counting how many times I have been compared to some sort of vegetarian insect or whatnot. When they compare, they make whatever sound the animal makes for emphasis, every time.” I waved my antenna, irritated. “Buffoons simply cannot accept that we are a superior species. I mean, no offense to humans.”

“Non taken.”

“I am very racist.” I noticed.

“Feeble human!!” Dib mocked and I slapped my noodle arms in his general direction.

“Anyway...” I started. “Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah… about that. Before I got out of the house somebody rang our door. Apparently, Dad ordered us some pizza, which while polite DOES NOT FIX WHAT HAS BEEN DONE! Obviously.”

I grinned. You owe me Mr.Dad. You owe me for a lot of small things.

Dib went on for a while and I decided that having him in front of me was more enjoyable than listening to him on the phone. There was just something about his theatrical display of emotions that made me feel strangely invested in his story. His dad HAD been a jerk. Though, all this drama was none of my business, obviously. I would do my best to stay out of this.

 

He sighed. “Still, I’m glad to see that he at least tried to apologize in some way. I’m sure he is going to sit us down tomorrow and talk it out more thoroughly as well, he usually does that whenever he messes up. It’s… not great parenting but I’m still glad that he’s capable of recognizing his mistakes and expressing how he feels like a normal human being!”

I nodded, feeling a strange and unsettling sense of self awareness. “Yes, yes. Parents and such. Incapable of expressing themselves. Constant disappointments.” I didn’t even have parents so I felt like this shouldn’t hurt nearly as much as it did. Somehow, my own words stung me.

“Yeah, exactly.”

We sat in silence. Dib turned to me, a curious expression on his face. “Are you ok?”

“Yes, why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing just… you’re being very quiet.”

“I can be quiet.” I decided, awkwardly.

“Quiet?”

“…yes.”

“Since when?”

“Since… since you. I can be quiet if it’s you.” I said. It stung a bit less now.

“Zim…” Dib smiled very widely and I felt a strange sense of achievement in my chest. Like I had just been promoted… twice. “You’ve been just the best today. Thank you so much.”

We were sitting very close to each other, so out of accident or intentionally his hand landed on mine. Then, accidentally or intentionally we held hands.

Only for a short while but it was a strangely pleasant short while.

 

I reluctantly reactivated the AI and ordered it to get the enormous food machine out of the way so that we could watch a movie and it reluctantly obeyed.

It wasn’t long until the human fell asleep but it took me a while to notice. I felt… strange. Respite the fact that Dib was asleep I felt… vulnerable. I often felt like that with Dib, though I had always just shrugged it off as paranoia.

When I… opened up to him. I wasn’t supposed to open up to people. Especially not to other races, ESPECIALLY not to humans! I felt bad. I was a great invader! I had achieved many brilliant things that other Irken could only dream off! I WAS ZIM, THE IRKEN INVADER! Loved by his tallest and feared by his enemies! Not… the other way around.

It felt wrong.

But… it couldn’t be helped. I couldn’t help but be this way with Dib. Only with Dib. I was sure that, maybe, it would all be fine if it was JUST him that I opened up to.

I looked at the small human sleeping next to me.

I was probably worrying too much. I should be more like Dib. Eat the food my enemy offered to make me on a bad day and then fall asleep on their sofa. HUMAN GENIUS.

I laughed silently.

 

It was probably about time to throw him out. Having him be carried home sounded like the right thing to do but I couldn’t let GIR handle him, for very obvious reasons. Couldn’t let him stay either, I had never researched what humans needed for sleeping. I shrugged and picked the tiny human up myself.

He wasn’t nearly as heavy as a lot of the projects I had to lift but I was still grateful to have a PAK that could aid me in the task. Thankfully, the streets were quiet and empty and I didn’t have to feel the shame of carrying a small precious thing around.

When I arrived at Dib’s home, I contemplated leaving him at the doorstep after ringing their doorbell once but there was a lot that could go wrong with that approach. For one, Gaz might not open the door or she might not carry him to bed or even worse; leave Dib outside. I shivered at the thought.

No, I had no choice but to personally deliver this package.

I rang the doorbell and waited.

 

A small gasp escaped me when a very tall dad opened the door.

“Ah… My poor insane son...” The doctor said. He sighed before taking the tiny human into his arms. “He didn’t tell me that he was meeting you. I was worried.” He turned his attention to me. “Dim, was it?”

“Zim.” I hissed, silently. If Dib wasn’t asleep, I would have had a rather BIG argument about Mr. Dad’s constant belittling shenanigans, but alas.

“Right. I want to thank you for being such a good friend to my son.”

“Acquaintance.” I corrected him again.

“Thank you.”

“Thank your son for dealing with your constant nonsense.” I hissed before leaving.

“Goodnight!” Yelled the dad. “Oh! And thank you for the pizza!”

I ran.


	4. Getting yelled at on Christmas... and then making up

It was as glorious a moment as I could have imagined; the fall of mankind.

I had defeated them by using their most loved holiday against them; Christmas. The time of the year when everyone is too distracted to notice that humanity is about to be ENSLAVED! It brought me great joy to traumatize everyone on the planet on a day so merry.

I was wearing a pristine disguise to make myself look bigger and much taller because I knew the psychological impact it would have on these measly mortals. It was totally NOT partially because without this hidden endoskeleton I wouldn’t be able to carry the large, human-sized death ray that was strapped to my back.

No, it was ALL for the intimidation effect that I desired!! To them, I was an enormous monstrosity with the power to eliminate everything in its path. The moon had already been cut in half. It was there in the sky for every single person to see and tremble.

I knew that humanity would be upset and lash out but only for so long. Soon, nobody would dare and stand in my way. They just needed a few more demonstrations of my powers.

It was almost done.

 

I looked at the figure standing before me. A small earthling; humanities last hope. Well, actually he was their first hope since he had been the first one to get up here.

I had blocked all the entrances to the power plant and it was quite windy up here on the roof so nobody had managed to get to me yet. They were all down there, looking up dramatically while this child had somehow managed to get through. Maybe a vent or something, though I couldn’t imagine his head fitting through a vent.

REGARDLESS, this was a fitting end.

Me and my arch enemy.

Face to face one last time before the world as we knew it came to bow down to me.

He glared at me passionately and despite the wind stood tall before me: a monster four times his size! He opened his mouth and screamed dramatically!!

“ZIM?!!”

“Ugh. WHAT?!” I yelled back, defensively. Not only had he recognized me, despite the disguise but he also sounded really REALLY annoyed! I had never seen his stupid big head get so red with rage.

“Is this what you do with your time now? RUIN CHRISTMAS??”

I groaned. “Is this about your dad-“

“YES, ITS ABOUT MY DAD! He’s never home, jackass! Today he was home and everything was gıoing **absolutely great** and then you decided to pull **this stunt**!”

 

I had come prepared for a fight. My gigantic body could take any damage and my death ray was still drawing more power from the city’s biggest power plant. It had large and heavy cables holding it down, holding me down. Not even an explosion could move me and not even a power outage could stop me at this point.

I was, indeed, unstoppable.

But we were on the roof and it was dark and freezing cold and the strong howling wind was a little too much for the tiny human to handle. I grabbed his tiny head with one hand before he could be blow away.

“I didn’t hurt anyone.” I said in my defence.

“ZIM YOU CUT THE MOON IN HALF!”

“Psh, so?”

“My dad said that that would destroy the way the planets move, thereby **eliminating all life**!!” Dib yelled as he dangled in the air.

“Oh. Well, I didn’t mean to-“

“Didn’t mean to what?!” he snapped. “Take over the world??”

“Well, uh.”

“Zim, I told you that my dad was coming home today. I thought you cared! Why are you destroying all humans? Why TODAY?? What has gotten into you??”

“I didn’t KNOW that destroying the moon would kill all of humanity!” I confessed.

Did stared.

“Well, it was fine when Eggman did it…” I said and immediately regretted it.

“Zim. Did you just. Zim, did you just admit that you stole your world domination idea… from a video game. Wow. Wow, that’s low, even for you.”

I was quite insulted by that. My plan wasn’t that bad, this time around. I had thought it through and done my research, mostly.

 

I hadn’t imagined that earth would be so outdated in its planetal defence! Most other planets I had their own synthetic atmosphere and giant shields to keep the planet warm and safe and that way they didn’t die when some Irken blew up their moon!

Moons blowing up was common! None of this was my fault.

I could hear sirens. A lot of sirens. Looking into the distance there were a lot more blue and red lights out there than was normal, even for Christmas.

Oh, how terrifying. Human defences. How scary. It was truly outrageous how weak this entire planet was yet how difficult it was to just enslave it instead of destroying it!

“Zim, could you… uh, fix the moon?” Dib said. He sounded exhausted. Maybe it was the cold, or maybe it was the dangling.

I sighed.

“I guess.” I decided. “Want to come with me?” I gestured at my spaceship. It had a fresh black paintjob, again for intimidation purposes, and improved anti firearm shields. Not that any of that mattered now.

“Into space?” Dib chuckled. “How romantic.”

I ignored him and carried him to the ship. It was only a moment before I had fully removed my ridiculous disguise. What an absolute waste. I closed the door to the ship and flew it away quickly, cloaking it as to not alarm anyone. After all, they were already pretty alarmed. Enough alarmed. The tallest always said that it was healthy to threaten species with total extinction every once in a while so, a healthy amount of alarmed.

 

I switched a few switches to keep the pressure, heat and oxygen levels even, before we exited the planet's atmosphere.

I sighed deeply as we slowly made our way to the moon.

Dib said nothing. There was silence. Deafening silence.

“Sorry about that.” I said, finally.

“At least… well, at least you apologized, I guess.” Dib shrugged.

“Does that make it any better?”

“Gaz never apologizes.”

“Does Gaz destroy planets?”

“I bet she could.”

I sighed once more. “Yes… yes, she could.”

We reached the moon after even more depressive silence. Two bots exited my ship and flew to push the two halves of the moon together again. I flew into the cracked surface in the middle and slowly applied a kind of space-super glue to it with my ship.

We flew out again and the two halves connected in a silent explosion.

“It takes a few minutes for the glue to dry.” I explained.

Dib was facepalming. “I can’t believe that you’re gluing the moon.”

“Well, what else am I supposed to do?” It didn’t sound as annoyed as I hoped my voice would sound. I sounded rather defeated, actually.

“No, I mean, it’s amazing.”

“It is?” I asked.

“It’s dumb but amazing. Kind of like everything else you did today.”

“Ah.” I said. “That sounded like a compliment.”

“Oh, absolutely.” Did said. “You moron.”

 

The flight back home wasn’t entirely unpleasant, which was unexpected. The tension between us melted away slowly as Dib gazed at the infinite space around us. He even ordered me to slow down and I stopped the ship, because ZIM wouldn’t take orders from a **feeble human**!

“It’s pretty.” He said and I decided that this was a bad time to point at all the galaxies the irken had taken over.

“Sure is.”

Dib leaned into me. “So. Do you come here often?”

“What? No.”

He chuckled for unknown reasons. “Why?”

“Nothing to do… Quiet….” I paused. “Lonely.”

“Hmm…” Dib put his arm around my shoulder and I did my very best to NOT push him off and fire him into deep space. “But what about GIR?” HE WASN’T MAKING MY JOB EASIER.

“GIR, is currently broken. Again. He ate food, AGAIN. And it broke him, AGAIN.”

“He does that a lot.”

“It’s such a huge distraction.” I said and hoped that it would distract me from the arm on my shoulder. It didn’t. I had grown somewhat used to being around Dib and I was ok with him leaning against me every now and then but… there was just something about these semi-hugs that triggered my fight or flight instincts that had been honed to perfection through endless battle training.

I wasn’t trained for this. I was trained for the opposite of this.

 

“You know what else was a distraction?” he asked and FINALLY removed his arm. “Your stunt.”

“I’ll ask you next time.” I promised.

“Good. You better.” He pouted like an angry girl. “Also, no more catastrophes on national holidays.”

I thought about it. “What about-“

“OR birthdays.”

“Fine!” I groaned.

“Still, I do want to mention that this plan wasn’t the worst.” Dib said. He loved to point out the tiny ways that my skills had improved, maybe because he enjoyed the way it made my antenna bob like crazy. “The outfit was also nice.”

“I thought you would like it. I kind of made it look like a super villain from those comic books.”

“Aww. That’s so thoughtful. I think.” He giggled.

“I didn’t mean to kill everyone.” I sighed.

“I know.”

“And I’m sorry about your dad.”

“About that… could you drop me off at my place? I think I might still be able to salvage this.”

“Sure.”

“Do you have any plans for tonight?”

“I HAD plans... but not anymore.”

“Would you like to come with me?”

I frowned. “Celebrate Christmas?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe in Santa.” I crossed my arms. It had been over three years and I knew that Santa wasn’t real for sure now!

Dib laughed. “That’s fine, trust me.”

“Well then… I guess I could come. If you wanted.”

“Please do.”

Dib’s smile… It made something in me melt, every time.

Was this the ‘Christmas magic’ that everyone was always talking about?


	5. Walking the Dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing happens.  
> GIR is in this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m pretty sure Zim is incapable of pronouncing Gir’s name without screaming it so I will be writing it in all caps <3

 

“Are you sure this is a good idea, Zim?” the lowly human dared. “I mean, this is Gir we’re talking about here.”

“Your eyesight must be worse than I thought! Can’t you see that GIR has the same basic intelligence as a sufficiently stupid dog? He fits right in with the others.” I said before I started pulling GIR outside by his leash. He was dragging along 3 jars of peanut butter and leaving one behind at every fire hydrant that he liked.

“It’s just that… I don’t know, it feels too risky.”

“Dib? Are you worrying about my well-being again?”

“Yes?

“Stop that.” I said. It drew a delightful giggle from Dib’s lips.

“Is it bothering you that much?”

“Well, it IS quite unsettling how you did a complete 180 on the subject of my… true identity.” We passed some human people. “My true identity being a girl!” I explained loudly.

“Zim, do you ever think before you say something?”

“Have I told you the story of how I made hundreds of people believe that I was an experimental government aircraft?”

“And then almost crashed into several vehicles while riding a flying pig?”

“Oh, so I did.”

“No, I heard about it on the news.”

Gir perked up at that. “I loved that piggy.”

“Yes, you saved my behind that day, GIR! Occasionally you are accidentally useful, I suppose.”

“I love you too.” The robot said before screaming maniacally and chasing after a butterfly, chasing as far as the leash allowed it.

“How??” Dib asked, his voice containing some amount of despair. “How did you do all of that? Without getting caught, I mean.”

“Silly Dib, people don’t believe their eyes. That’s why invisible people are so popular!”

“Ghosts ARE real, Zim.” The Dib rolled his eyes.

“I wasn’t talking about ghosts.”

 

GIR screamed and ran against the nearest tree when we finally arrived at the dog park. I undid his leash and watched him run full speed into other dogs and wrestle them into a hug.

“Wow. Your dog is very friendly.” Said a very old looking woman.

“Yes, he fits in great here.” I stabbed my elbow into Dib’s sides in order to drive my point directly into his meat or however that saying went.

“Fine. I suppose you’re right. I just want you to be safe, you know.” Dib said as the old lady was dragged deeper into the park by several vicious dogs.

“It’s a valid concern.” I stated. “But the only person who could do me any harm in this…” I looked around. The dog park was surrounded my trees with yellow piercing eyes looking hungrily at the small dogs running around. “completely normal dog park, is you!”

“Me?”

“Yes, Dib. You’re the only one who ever even suspected me. I mean, all it would really take is for you to take of my wig right now.”

Dib laughed. “Yeah, right. But Gir would just fly you away.”

“Actually, he is covered in dogs right now. I doubt he would even hear me.”

“But you have your PAK.”

“Which would only make me look more suspicious.”

“But… woah. Woah, I could ruin you right now! Potentially.”

“Potentially, yes.” I resisted the urge to step away. Zim would not be intimidated by a stupid human’s capability to ruin him. “With you no longer being a threat, I have nothing to worry about, and in turn you have nothing to worry about.”

“I mean… am I really no threat?”

I shifted around uncomfortably. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re still trying to take over the world and I’m still trying to stop you. One can’t just let extra-terrestrial life running around, doing whatever they want. Nothing personal.”

I nodded completely calmly. “Same here. Taking over earth is just my job, nothing personal. But, I’m not taking over right now. So, we’re good, right?”

Dib shrugged, seemingly unsure. “I guess so, yeah.”

Dib hadn’t really looked too much into our friendship, his mind being occupied by thoughts on how to get even closer to me and all. I knew he was pushing my limits; I knew he liked doing it and I knew it had distracted him quite a bit from his most prominent paranormal obsession.

“I know that if you caught me, it would make you famous.” I said, making Dib jump. “But I think we both know that that wouldn’t end well. I might have to kill you and I feel like that would pretty much ruin our… harmony?”

“Friendship.” Dib smiled.

“Whatever. I believe that you wouldn’t do that and I have confidence in that belief. ZIM is never wrong!”

“You really trust me, don’t you?”

I groaned. “I should have known that you would interpret my bravery as caring, _poor insane Dib_.”

The human struck a confident pose. “There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity, Zim.” He teased.

“Indeed DIB. Like backtalking to an advanced alien lifeform! Bravery? Or stupidity?”

We laughed.

“God, what have I gotten myself into? How in the world did this even happen?” there was confusion in his voice, like he was genuinely not sure. It was hard to tell when exactly the tension between us faded, since it had been such a slow process.

Admittedly… I wasn’t sure how it had happened either. But I felt the need to reassure him, obviously for my own sake.

“Actually, I think it makes sense. You do LOVE aliens, don’t you? If you can’t catch one, might as well befriend one. Or, try and befriend one.”

“But you tried to kill me! Honestly, out of all the people to befriend…”

 

_Wow, RUDE._

“Dib!” I cupped his face in my hands and looked him straight in the eyes. “Are you suggesting that the glorious ZIM is not top tier friend material?? I have flown you to space for stargazing purposes twice now! No other life form would do that sort of thing for free.”

The humans smile looked much cuter with his head squished like this. “That’s a very good point. You do spoil me from time to time.”

“Yes, yes, and have you ever witnessed me ignoring you? _I mean, you’re really hard to ignore I don’t know how other people do it_.”

“True. My classmates have grown used to my screaming, I guess.”

“Speaking of classmates…”

“You’re way better than them, no question.” Dib agreed.

I laughed maniacally. “Of course, I am! You should try and remember that.”

I let go of his face. Dib put a hand on his cheek as if to replicate the touch.

“You’re right. How could I have forgotten the fact that SOMEHOW you’re the nicest person in town?” He giggled sweetly. “Nobody tries to cheer up the crazy kid. You’re the only one who seems to care.”

“I feel like it would be unwise to treat someone as dangerous as you with a lack of respect.” I stated.

“Gosh, was that a compliment??”

“NO? that was me… giving my rival some credit, that’s all.”

The human grinned. “Say the f word, you coward.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Fuck?”

“Ugh. FRIEND!”

“I will not say that word.”

“I know.” Dib laughed. “It’s freaking WEIRD. You avoid it like the plague but I’m going to find a way to make you accept it!” His confidence was only rivalled by my own.

“It continues to unsettle me how willing you are to build your life around me, Dib. I would like you to stop that.”

“Then it’s settled.” He claimed. “I work to make us BEST FRIENDS and you try to stop me!”

 

Stopping Dib had not been my plan when I left my house this morning. I hadn’t even intended to trigger his competitive edge like this, however… it had been some time since we’ve fought a battle of wits. This could be interesting. It even sparked an idea…

“ **I accept your challenge, filthy earth worm!!”** I screamed. “ _But can we do that tomorrow. I’m supposed to be walking GIR.”_

_“Oh, yeah.”_

_“Yep. Got to do that.”_

_“Chores and stuff. I get it.”_

_“Wouldn’t be a curtain fic without boring chores.”_

_“No, you want to take things easy, I get it.”_

_“Yeah, all of that.”_

“ **BUT TOMORROW-“**

“ **TOMMORROW!!”**

“We FIGHT!” yelled Dib before slowly backing away and tripping over a dog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to see more of GIR? Want to read about him destroying machinery or cuddling with Zim?   
> No, I'm asking because I genuinely don't know.  
> Leave me a comment below :D

**Author's Note:**

> To those unfamiliar with invader zim; what are you doing here?  
> Also Invader Zim takes place on an alternate version of earth. Assume that most human beings are as smart as a dumb dog. I’m not of the opinion that humans are this stupid but boy is it hilarious! XD


End file.
